I'm not as good with flowery prose as you are, 
but my words are no less sincere. I promise to 
love you with all of my heart for as long as it 
continues to beat. When you are sad, I will hold 
you and offer to destroy those who have upset you 
and when you are happy I will likely dance around 
the house giggling. I promise never to call you a 
'noob' except in jest, and to always guide you 
through the toughest boss fights. I promise to 
defend you against an army of trolls and to stand 
beside you as we face off against the unspeakable 
evil. I promise to always revive you if I am able. 
I will, on occassion, give up the most holy seat 
of Player 1, but only to you. There may be no cow 
level, but that doesn't matter. I have you, now 
and forever, and I can't think of any better loot 
than that.